Hurting

I wish the end of today would come faster. It stunk and I want to start over. Someone shoot me so I can go to heaven. I guess I don't really mean that. I was having an okay day for the most part. School started today. I like my first two classes (Broadway Musical Theatre and Children's Literature). The third (Philosophy) will be interesting. I was hoping that my teacher would be cool about not letting his own perspectives come through when he was talking. Not really the case. He's pretty obviously against Christianity and Conservatism. As are the more outspoken people in my class. But then again, it was only the first day, so I shouldn't judge too absolutely. So I came home, went on a bike ride with my lil brother. Found out how horribly out of shape I am. Started on my homework. Dad came home and we ate dinner. I'd forgotten to wash his truck like I said I would. Dave and I said we'd do it after dinner. After dinner, I forgot again and went straight back to my homework. Dad went outside and washed the car by himself. Mom realizes what he's doing and tells Dave and I. We run out just in time for him to be finished. He's ticked cuz he's sick and it's dark and I broke my promise twice and he thinks I was on the computer socializing. He gets mad at me for what is one of the first times ever. All I can do is say I'm sorry. He goes inside to do some more work. I go upstairs to my room and cry and try not to think suicidal thoughts. He comes up and talks about how he still loves me, but he's disappointed in me for not keeping my word and how his estimation of me has gone down. I don't say much. He leaves. I cry some more. Now I'm here. I hate disappointing people. I'm so disappointed in myself. I hate failing. Can I run away now? Why am I so defective? All my emotions are just barreling down hill now. It just dredges up everything else in my head that I hate about myself. At least God loves me. It's a good thing that's drilled into my head cuz I need the love right now. It's a good thing there aren't any random guys around at the moment, cuz I'd be horribly susceptible to any attention. I'm so weak. God, help me, please. Man, this is a depressing blog. Sorry. I just needed to get it all out. I think I'm gonna go to bed soon. I love you.
Psalm 51:10
"Create in me a pure heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me."

Sweet Caroline

My little Carolina. Ain't she cute? ::winks:: She was my roommate and coworker this summer and last.

New every morning

Hey Darling, how are ya? I'm home from the ranch for good now. Not home for good yet. Leaving for Ireland tomorrow night. ::crosses eyes:: I'm just a little bit excited! Dad promised my best-friend and me that we'd go sometime, so it's kinda a senior trip deal... one year later. ::grins:: After that it's off to the beach and then onward to school. Crazy deal. Good though, doesn't leave room for post-ranch depression. I do miss the people, but I've been so busy that I can't mope around like I did last year. I'm very grateful for that. Oooh! I was able to renew my learner's permit yesterday. Passed the test without a problem, so I'm happy. I only have to wait two weeks instead of the four months because I've held a permit before. Yay! Dunno when I'll go in for the test. Man, you know that thing about praying Scripture? I think it's to remind us of what God's already promised. About half way through the last week of camp, I was about fed up. I basically wanted to shoot the first person who came across my path no matter who they were. In that state of mind, I prayed pretty missishly and told God that He'd said he wouldn't give me any more than I could handle and that anything that happened after that point would be His doing cuz I couldn't handle it anymore. Last night I was reading somewhere in my Bible and it hit me that after that point, things had run so smoothly that I hadn't even noticed it. Sure, there were hitches here and there, but I can't remember any major break-downs after that point. I'd completely forgotten both about that prayer and the situation. Definitely thanked God right there for His faithfulness. Isn't that the way it is most days though? We cry out to Him, practically throwing His promises back in His face, and He guides us through. Most of the time, I find myself thankless though. Thankless and forgetful. I'm facing new needs now. I don't have time to look back over all that He's done for me. ::shakes head:: I'm such a petty child. I'm so blessed. How is it that I so often see only the bad? Well, I gotta run. Some friends are coming over for dinner so that we can hang out before school starts up again, then my best friend is coming over. Oh my glory! I haven't packed yet. ::smacks forehead:: I'm such an idiot. Well, at least there's still time. ::grins:: Stay safe and be good, kiddo. Seek after God and you'll find Him. All my love...
Lamentations 3:22-23
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

Leadership and unity exemplified

These two men just happened to be my bosses this summer. ::grins:: Derrick (right) is shoeing Andy (left)... and Crys (extreme left) wants to know what the harry is going on. ::dissolves into laughter::

Live well, finish strong

Hey Kiddies! This is my last day off. I'll be coming home for good next Monday. I want to finish strong. I want to be a tool in God's hands. It's so hard to always feel like that though. So often I find myself desiring other things more than God's will. If you took a penny from me for every time I've been distracted this summer, I would be in irrevocable debt. Yet because of that, I can't take any of the glory for what has happened this summer. Any good that happened was totally done by God. If some of it was through me, it was because He gave me the strength, the purpose, the focus, even the faith. It has been a good summer. God's been stretching me and constantly revealing new truths to me. His faithfulness is phenomenal. He has never deserted me. His blessings pour out over me daily. I never deserve them. The only thing I deserve is to be separated from God, but He had another plan for me. Only He knows why He chose me, but I'm glad He did and I want to give life my all. I want to live well. A bon vivant. What's a good life? Being in the direct center of where God wants me. That's when His blessings pour down like rain. Dearest, I hope that you understand or that you will someday. Follow after Him. He's the only one you can trust with everything. The verse for today is well known, but it's what I want to be able to say. I love you lots and you'll be in my prayers.
2 Timothy 4:7
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

Peace surpassing all understanding

Hola Kiddos. I'm a little frustrated at the moment. See, I was supposed to get my driver's license today. I went to the MVA, had a few butterflies. Got to the back desk, they started putting my info into the computer, then they noticed that my permit had expired. I knew this and about four weeks ago I asked my driving instructor at the Driver's Ed school if that would be a problem. He either misunderstood me or had the wrong information because he told me that it wouldn't be a problem. What I understood from him was that I would get one chance at the test and if I failed, I would have to renew my permit and wait before trying for the license again. The MVA said I have to be holding my permit to get the license, so I have to now renew my permit. Man, oh well. I've stayed pretty calm though and I'm trying to let it go. There is absolutely nothing that I can do or could do about the whole situation, so I really have no reason to get mad. ::shrugs:: I feel better now that I've written it out. I'm also listening to some of my favorite Linda Eder songs, so that helping me relax. Everyone at the ranch thinks I'm getting my license, so I'm gonna have to recount these happening about a billion times tonight. ::shakes head:: It's funny, yesterday I said to someone that I was getting my license today and another guy that was listening interjected, "God willing." I couldn't think of any reason it wouldn't work unless I failed and I wasn't too worried about that, but wouldn't you know it... Oh well, God must have a reason. I may never know the reason til after I die, but it's good for me to have to rely on His timing. ::winces:: Ouch, Linda goes a bit flat on that ending. It's still a good song. Man, that woman is amazing. If I could sing as well as she does, I wouldn't have any worries about getting into college. Did I tell ya'll that I'm gonna have voice lessons with a woman that was my mom's voice instructor back when she was pregnant with me??? I'm so excited! Except that my voice is out of shape from disuse and misuse at the ranch. ::winks:: I've got til September to get back in shape. ::laughs:: Oh, yay, I'm smiling again. God is so good. Oh!!!!!!! You guys, I'm so excited! This chick that I met at the beginning of the summer (she comes to the bull rides, also known as buck outs, every Thursday night) accepted Christ last Thursday!!!!!!!! Do you have any idea how joy filled I am??? I've got her cell number at the ranch, but I lost my phone card and I only have one quarter, so I haven't gotten a chance to call her yet, but believe me, I will. I'll see her this Thursday too... God willing. Maybe I'll just start saying that after everything to remind me. ::chuckles and shakes head:: She's such a sweet girl. I'm also going to have a bunch of the ranch people out to the house this Saturday. Hoo rah! Man, weblogs are an awesome thing. I've gone from being incredibly frustrated to being soooo excited right before your very eyes. Maybe it's just that writing is therapeutic for me. Right now I can feel God's arms around me. I love feeling His love for me. I love looking out the window and seeing the sun shining like a gift. I love that the rearview mirror of my memory has rose colored glass. "If someone like you loved someone like me, then suddenly nothing would ever be the same. My heart would take wing, and I'd feel so alive if someone like you loved me!" Gorgeous song. The creator of the universe loves me. Nothing is the same. My heart has the wings of eagles, and He has made me alive. Darling, my heart is bursting with unexpected song and dance. I didn't expect to be blessed when I got on the computer. I expected to vent. Instead, God has given me peace and joy. He's so amazing. Do you know Him? Do you really know Him? Have you felt the love He has for you and for every person on this planet? A love so real and pure that He doesn't always give you what you want so that He can give you what you need. I understand now. I wanted my license, but I needed Him to revitalize me. I've been exhausted this week. I've been having boy problems and people problems and sleep shortages and long, hot, humid days on stupid horses. I got my foot run over by a four wheeler, rode a bull for three seconds (which was fun but you have to fall off eventually and that part hurts), and then that license thing came up. Instead of getting the license, God brought me back home and helped me work things through. I can go back to the ranch now. I can serve Him wholeheartedly again. He knows what I need. Why do I ever try to do it on my own? He's God for a reason. ::smiles:: Well, lovey, I'm gonna go do something. I'm not sure what yet, but I know Someone who does so I'm not worried. ::contented sigh:: Where am I gonna go to college? I dunno. What am I gonna do with my life? I dunno. Who am I gonna marry? I dunno. But you know what I do know? I don't care!!!!!!!!! God has the plans for my life all laid out and I can fling open my arms and spin in a field to the music of my life. You have all of my love.
Philippians 4:12-13
"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."