Mmm

I'm almost crying right now. But it's because of something good. Luke sent me an email from Illinois and reminded me of some things. I just realized fully for perhaps the first time that God doesn't HAVE to love me, He CHOOSES to. God WANTS to love me. He desires me. I'm not just His kid. He doesn't have to love me just cuz I'm His kid. Not like parents. He genuinely looks at all the CRAP in my heart and still wants to love me. I'm attractive to Him. I wish I was home alone right now so that I could have a good cry now that that has hit me. GOD, please take that realization and give it to me every day, moment by moment. Don't let me drift past it! Here come the tears. I just finished reading the whole letter. Luke has such a beautiful soul. He's such a man of God. He blesses me every time I talk to him. He's totally right. I need to forgive/forget/reconcile things w/ mom. I should start by making myself capitolize her title. Mom. She is my Mom. Do you know what a struggle that is? A simple courtesy. I owe her much more than a simple courtesy. If anything, just for choosing to bring me into the world. For choosing to marry my father so that I would have a father even though it meant spending her life with someone she didn't love. God, help me. I don't know if I can go deeper than that tonight. This HURTS. I don't WANT to go through this. But Luke is right, it's poisoning the rest of my life. I HAVE to deal with it if I don't want to die from a stupid infection of the heart. I'm so bitter. I try to thank God for her ... for my ... Mom ... and I end up thinking about how she's hurt me over and over again. It's killing me inside. I have to get past this. No, I have to go through and move beyond this. Can I stop now? Is that far enough for today? Do I have to push a little more. Prod a little deeper. I can't. God, I can't do this alone. Not in silence anyway. I feel so alone. I journal to God all the time, and I try to listen when He talks back, or at least hear Him out, but right now a physical body would be a good thing. Someone who will slap me and call me a moron and then hold me while I cry. Or you could leave out A and B and just have C. I'd settle for that. Gotta get the trash ready for the garbage pickup. How come I can't just scoop all the crap up out of my heart and leave it out to disappear in the morning? Cuz life isn't easy, that's why. God, please bless Luke beyond his wildest dreams. I love you kids. And I don't have to, either. But God's a lot better at that deal. Trust Him.