Quotables...

Shua: I'm home for fall break.
Me: ::dances around room!
Me: You see, even my colons are thrown off by your being home.
Shua: O_o

Palmer: That looks Asian.
Me: No, it's from Thailand.
Shades: Because Thailand's not in Asia.

Carolina: tamra you are really pretty you look pretty at 3 in the morning covered in pancake syrup
Carolina: go in a toga

Warren: ::prods:: Wait, I lost your spine.

Dad talking to Uncle Les:
"Ya know, Tamra's fun to talk to."

Talking to Shades:
Me: Sure, cuz we all know you walk around with a comb in your back pocket.
::out whips the comb::

Warren: Hold on. I have to go spot my mother while she's lifting weights.

Shua: its all the dead brown grass and naked trees that get to me... Shua: hehe naked trees *snickers at self*

Me: Kitty has a lime on his head.
Johnny: He does indeed.
Johnny: Brace yourself... he's a "felime"

DailyInfatuation's Away Message:
phone with my lesbian life partner krohe

Alex: You're a freak.
Me: Is this anything new?
Alex: No, not really.
Me: Ok, then you need to get over it.
Alex: I plan on getting under it, actually.
...
Delz: Whoever Alex is, I don't like him.
Me: Alex is my lesbian lover. She's a girl.
Delz: Oh, I knew that... You have to tell ppl this b4 they go thinking your a slutty McSlut slut.

Mmm

I'm almost crying right now. But it's because of something good. Luke sent me an email from Illinois and reminded me of some things. I just realized fully for perhaps the first time that God doesn't HAVE to love me, He CHOOSES to. God WANTS to love me. He desires me. I'm not just His kid. He doesn't have to love me just cuz I'm His kid. Not like parents. He genuinely looks at all the CRAP in my heart and still wants to love me. I'm attractive to Him. I wish I was home alone right now so that I could have a good cry now that that has hit me. GOD, please take that realization and give it to me every day, moment by moment. Don't let me drift past it! Here come the tears. I just finished reading the whole letter. Luke has such a beautiful soul. He's such a man of God. He blesses me every time I talk to him. He's totally right. I need to forgive/forget/reconcile things w/ mom. I should start by making myself capitolize her title. Mom. She is my Mom. Do you know what a struggle that is? A simple courtesy. I owe her much more than a simple courtesy. If anything, just for choosing to bring me into the world. For choosing to marry my father so that I would have a father even though it meant spending her life with someone she didn't love. God, help me. I don't know if I can go deeper than that tonight. This HURTS. I don't WANT to go through this. But Luke is right, it's poisoning the rest of my life. I HAVE to deal with it if I don't want to die from a stupid infection of the heart. I'm so bitter. I try to thank God for her ... for my ... Mom ... and I end up thinking about how she's hurt me over and over again. It's killing me inside. I have to get past this. No, I have to go through and move beyond this. Can I stop now? Is that far enough for today? Do I have to push a little more. Prod a little deeper. I can't. God, I can't do this alone. Not in silence anyway. I feel so alone. I journal to God all the time, and I try to listen when He talks back, or at least hear Him out, but right now a physical body would be a good thing. Someone who will slap me and call me a moron and then hold me while I cry. Or you could leave out A and B and just have C. I'd settle for that. Gotta get the trash ready for the garbage pickup. How come I can't just scoop all the crap up out of my heart and leave it out to disappear in the morning? Cuz life isn't easy, that's why. God, please bless Luke beyond his wildest dreams. I love you kids. And I don't have to, either. But God's a lot better at that deal. Trust Him.

Odd

::sniff:: I missed a month for my very first time since I started this thing. How sad. I was checking out my friends' xangas this morning and Tyler wrote this:

God will give what is good and no less. But you must understand good, you that wish to understand Him. What is good? And why do you not love it?

It kinda stopped me in my tracks. Why don't I love what it is that God puts in my life? He promises that He is the giver of good gifts and that all things work for the good of those who love Him. Tyler was my random 8:30 inspiration for the morning.

I'm house sitting this week. Actually, the family is getting home late this evening. It's been enjoyable. Being out of the house. I haven't gone home very often. Home. Hah.

I'm still loving my job at Valley View Farms. Sure, it makes me tired cuz the hours get kinda long, but the people make it so worthwhile. I love people. Even when they're being horrible. It makes me sad when people get upset. What kind of rotten junk must be going on in their lives if they're gonna get upset over something as extraneous as Christmas ornaments, Halloween decorations, and planting goods? Or must have gone on in their lives.

I need to go running. I really should be doing that instead of writing this, but it's foggy as all get out this morning and I don't feel like getting run over by crazy motorists.

Alex came home for the weekend. She's spent the last two nights here w/ me. It's nice to have another person in the house. We watched Dirty Dancing on Friday night, but last night, we just crashed. We went shopping yesterday morning over at Towson mall. The Towson mall. Towson mall is a description, not a title. It needs an article.

I'm still really tired.

I talked to Luke yesterday. He called me back all the way from California. Pretty exciting, not gonna lie. Hadn't talked to anyone from RS since I've been home. Horrible tense in that sentence. On Friday I left all of my school books at home. I felt so stupid.

I'm so egocentric. I just noticed that practically every sentence in this post contains the word I or ME. Technically, it is my blog about my thoughts. Funny how I can go on and on on this thing, but I couldn't keep up w/ the Live Eulogies. Man, that was a long time ago.

I used to be so good about journaling. Even when I stopped here, I started journaling on paper. It's so therapeutic. I should count how many times I've said/written that statement sometime. "Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow." I barely ever journal now. Maybe that's why I'm such a mess.

Mom and I had a falling out. Can you tell? Funny how my sanity seems to revolve around how I'm feeling about her. I hate that she has that much influence on my life. It wasn't a falling out. Not really. That would be both of us getting angry, I think. We had a discussion. And the content happened to break me. And I don't want to ever let her in again. I need to forgive her. I need to move on. But I can't yet. So it's festering and infecting other areas of my life. I really think all boys should be incised from my life. Y'all are too distracting. Was incised the word I was looking for? Surgically removed. It's too easy for me to go to one of you for the affection I crave instead of going to God for the affirmation and alignment I need. Not your fault, I know.

What is good about the place in life I'm in right now? Why do I not love it?

Dad and Davey are good. Some of my friendships are growing very healthily right now. Some possibilities for the future have opened up. We'll see what happens w/ them. School is easy and fun for the most part. I have a great job --> spending money. I'm healthy. I've been exercising and watching what I eat, so that's good. At least I had been. Like I said, I need to go for a run. My friends are looking out for me. For what they know of my life anyway. I'm getting more and more people that I can call when I'm bored and want to get out of the house. Yah, definitely a good thing that I'm not stuck at home. I'm learning to thank God for bad situations instead of complaining about them all the time.

Jesus loves me.

That is good.

Cuz I tend not to.

But I trust Him.

So there must be something desireable about me.

Well, yah, I'm His creation.

I'm His child.

:-/ He is the lover of my soul.

Kinda like incest, if you put the statements like that.

I've had Kelly Clarkson songs stuck in my head for the past three days. I don't know all the lyrics to any of them. So frustrating. I end up mixing them all together. I'm not crazy about her, but it's good relief music. And I can at least lala along to it.

I need to take a shower. I'm gonna go to the 11 o'clock service this morning and then go get some pizza w/ Wes and his friends. Alex wants to go to Walmart this morning. My hands are so chapped. I really need some lotion. I love typing. It's such a great feeling. Tap tap tapping away. This family has wireless, so I'm using my laptop. Mmm, I need to ask Andrew about my computer. ::scratches head:: I really meant to just check what time Walmart opens when I got on this morning. But I signed on and saw the xanga subscription thing and checked that and read Tyler's post and wanted to comment about it. I got distracted. That's ok. This was a good distraction. Have you ever noticed that when you try to scare boys off, they get more interested? Unless I do something horrible. I do crazy things all the time. Like leaf stomping. Or dramaticism. Or making a wall. I'm so weird.

Doncha wish your girlfriend was...

Bad song. It's so definitely stuck in my head right now. Not the type of song you can sing w/out dancing. I could prolly end ever sentence w/ 'I'm so weird' and it wouldn't be out of place. I saw Cyrano over at Loyola on Friday. They did a great job. I didn't know the chick who played Roxeanne, but she was fantastic. And James did great, I was so proud of him, lol.

I'm going to go shower now. Goodbye.

Employed!

Dude, I've got a job. ::bobs head and does a dance:: I'm gonna be working as a cashier at Valley View Farms. ::winks:: I think I'll get along pretty well w/ the staff. Anyone who has ever been there will understand. Or should understand. I was gonna go see Donnie Darko w/ Tboyz1&3 tonight, but that didn't work out cuz I've gotta go back to ballet. Ylll, I'm so out of shape, it's gonna be ridiculous. Tomorrow is Davey's 15th birthday! Happy birthday to my lil bro! He's a good kid. I hung out w/ Andrew pretty much all of yesterday. 'Cept in the morning Dad and I went to Borders and looked at college books. Andrew and I watched Van Helsing and The Forgotten. We went to Applebee's w/ some of his friends. ::grins:: They made me laugh soooo hard. Much fun. Saturday, I went birthday shopping w/ Daddy for Davey in the morning, then went to the Ranch and talked to Gavin and walked the dog while my family toured the new horsemanship building. Then went to Church. Then Tboyz1&3 came to my house and we watched Clue after dinner. Much fun. Friday I had a meeting w/ an academic advisor from Hopkins. Friend of Dad's. She was a sweetheart. We went to a Chinese restaurant and she helped me think about some college stuff. I'm not applying to Hopkins, but she was still able to help me. And I had some amazing sweet and sour chicken. Yum. I think I did something Friday night. Crap, I hate when I forget things. Don't remember. Sorry if I chilled w/ someone. ::cringes:: Don't hurt me. Umm, Thursday... went to a hip hop class over at Nicole Gaits. That's where I'm going for ballet tonight. They allow drop ins and Mama pays for me, so it's all good. She's worried that I'll get so out of shape that I won't ever go back to dance or something, I dunno. So yah, life has been a little crazy, but it's not too bad that I got a job in less than a week of applications. AND I got hired by a woman, so no one can say that I flirted my way into it. So there! What did I do Friday night? Gah, I can't remember. K, I'm gonna go finish reading this policy booklet thingy. Mwah. Love ya kids!
Psalm 127:2
"In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat - for He grants sleep to those He loves."

What do I know? What do I miss?

I need to write candidly for a few minutes. I know I posted earlier today, but let's suspend reality for a little hole of time. It's so hard to come home from an environment where relationships were actively protected, where hearts were kept safe and respected and loved, to a place where there is no godly leadership, that's an exaggeration, be fair Tiki, where most of the leadership comes in the form of pressure... that's not leading, that's driving... and I resent it even when it's good advice. I'm trying so hard. God help me, You made a change in me this summer, but I'm falling back to where I was before I left and I don't want that. The emotions in this house are ridiculous. My coldness and agitation included. ::sighs and closes eyes:: I miss the security of affirmation from this summer. I knew that I would be actively loved this summer. That people were choosing to love me. I also knew that I had to actively love people. I've stopped actively loving people. I've turned very passive. I'm frustrated with myself. As always. ::smirks at self:: Thank God that He's here to carry me through. I'm not strong enough to walk on my own in a way pleasing to Him. But I know that He actively chooses to love me. I KNOW THAT. That's what I have to hold on to. I have to seek His love daily. God, forgive me. You taught me that over and over again this summer and have been trying to remind me while I've been home. Sometimes I listen. More often I forget. Kids, there are so many things that need to be worked on in my life. You have no idea. No idea. But I can only do so much at one time. He's so awesome about working w/ me wherever I am. Wherever is such a weird spelling. I guess "whereever" would be stranger. Yah, ok. I've calmed down now. I don't get angry very often any more. I get depressed and exasperated. Alright. One breath at a time, girl. I love you guys... Thank God that He is.
Psalm 46:10
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

Crashes and Flicks

Lalala, horrible person, bad Tiki for not posting more often. It's only been a week and two days, I'm doing pretty good, actually. ::grins:: Umm, what's happened since last Monday? I didn't get into 1776, but they took more than two weeks to get back to me, so it was kinda anticlimactic. I've been applying for jobs, so say a prayer that I'll find someplace, please. Mmm, got into a car accident. Not hurt at all, but my car is. It's in the shop. That's the main reason I'm getting a job. I know, bad llama. Umm, saw my first anime movie w/ Tboy3. Bwahaha, nicknames are so much fun. Played piano in worship for Shock Wave. All the songs but one were acceptable. Dunno what happened w/ the one though. Something weird was going on between me and the lead guitar. Stuff is so loud anyway, that it's not a big deal, though. Umm, yah. Oooo! Went to see my first scary movie on Monday!!! I saw The Exorcism of Emily Rose w/ Andrew. Sooo good! I was scared OUT OF MY MIND, but it was worth it. Andrew has an amazing car and I had soooo much fun w/ him. Ummm, Statistics remains to be boring. Theory remains to be awesome. Umm... Yah. That's my comment of the week/day, I think. I'm leaving now. Bye! Oh yah, Bible verse... lalala...
John 1:14
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Catching up a little

Ok, so I'm being horrible about posting here. My apologies. I've been playing w/ the MySpace account and I keep a journal on paper now, so I do that instead of writing here now. I'll try and be better about it though since I'm so bad about responding to emails. Ok, so what's happened since the last post? Umm, yah went to Canada. That was phenomenal. PHEnomenal. The people were so sweet, and they took such impeccable care of us. I felt very special. Auditioned for the musical 1776 over with Dundalk CT. They were supposed to get back to me within the week/by the end of the week. Today was a week. Cha. If they don't call me tomorrow, I'll call Mr Colonna or something. His last name always reminds me of an alcoholic grammar tool. I'm so weird. Umm, let's see. I went to see The Brothers Grimm w/ Ben on Saturday. Much fun. Cute movie. And I went to the fair w/ Alex while she was back in town this weekend. Yay! And House Church is meeting here now, so we had a 'beginning of the year' style party. Matt's home now, so it was him, Phil, Hennah, Davey, and me as far as middle-aged people (meaning not old and not young -- that horrible, wonderful, awkward chapter of life). So much fun. I love those kids. We were just missing Jon. :'( Hmmm, maybe I'll have to kidnap him. So yah. I've been journaling a lot. About books I'm reading, about my emotions, about God, about how confusing life/the world is. Etc, etc. It's fun stuff. Helps me keep stuff in perspective... and it's a heck of a lot cheaper than a psychologist... and my writing style improves w/ practice. That's enough of the beneficial characteristics for now. Maybe I'll enumerate some more of them for you another time. But I realize when I start using words that I like the sound of, but am only relatively sure that they are the correct word, that it is time for Tiki to turn into a pumpkin. Love you so much darling. Sleep well... Oooo, I was reading this passage this morning and it struck me. I've always loved the second phrase (He has made everything...), but today the idea of God setting eternity in the hearts of men struck me. There is something about the idea of eternity that fascinates us as human beings. Something about the indescribability. We fear and love things that we cannot fully comprehend if we are wise. Think about those things: love, darkness, eternity, life, death. So interesting. I hate and love things that I can't understand. Hate because I feel dysfunctional; love because it reminds me of how little I know.
Ecclesiastes 3:10-11
"I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Home Sweet Home!

Hiya kiddies! I'm home! Sorry I didn't get to update at all this summer. Well, except for that one time in Czech from the Bohemian Bagel internet cafe. ::grins:: Craziness. THE most amazing chocolate chip cookies EVER. Basically the Czech version of Panera, except they had internet. Panera needs to get w/ it. I'm happy to be home and settling in pretty well. I'm having to work really hard to not become complacent in my walk w/ Jesus now that I don't have a daily... more like continuous challenge. More to come... Hopefully I'll be getting my pics back from the developer today. I want to post some of the stuff I wrote in my journal throughout the summer eventually, but we'll see. So yah, I got home on Sunday and went to Church that morning. Chilled w/ the fam for the rest of the day (oooo, remind me to talk about family relations another time) and checked out Hunt Valley Mall. Voice lesson on Monday. Batemann's w/ some of the Les Mis kids on Tuesday. Pedicure w/ Alex on Wed morning after I mowed the lawn, then Dad and I drove down to Williamsburg to join Mom and Davey (they went down on Tuesday). Chilled w/ Shua and got a tour of William and Mary. Nice campus. Walked across a bridge w/ him so we're gonna be friends forever. ::laughs:: But we already knew that. Dude, I had some coffee and the caffeine is hitting me just now. I'm so jittery. Gotta get some food in my system to cover it up. I think I must be alergic. I've really gotta stop. Right, sorry, yah. Watercountry USA on Thurs. Got burned, but my skin is all pretty and brown now, so it was worth it. Mom's chorus is here at the house today. Nikki had to work, so I won't get to see her until like Sunday. Bleah. Mom's side of the family is coming up tomorrow (Uncle Steve is visiting from Germany, so we're doing a lot of family stuff) for a party. I'd like to audition for Beauty and the Beast over at Pumpkin Theatre, but mom doesn't want me to leave the party and I don't know the specs anyway. So yah. K, I'm gonna jet and try to get this caffeine out of my system. Love you kids like a mongoose. Missed you like krazie! Mwah!
1 John 4:18
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."