She's Only "Mostly Dead"

Hey Kids, sorry I haven't written for much for a while. I really have no life right now. I love it, but something's gotta give. I'm starting to think that sleep is what's giving. ::grins:: Anywho... Let's see, rehearsals have been going well (Oh my goodness, Josh Groban has an amazing voice, sorry listening to "Remember Me" right now and I'm pretty much in love with his voice). What has happened this week? Umm... Ok, cool thing, ya'll might not understand, but that's ok. On Thursday we did an exercise in Acting where we each thought of a song that we knew backwards and forwards. My teacher then explained that we would go up by ourselves onstage, close our eyes, and sing it over and over and over again until he told us to stop. He said to just let your mind go where it wanted to and to explore the thoughts that came up. He asked if anyone was excited about the exercise, and I raised my hand. I thought it sounded pretty cool, and he'd told us a few times that he was purposefully being vague so that we could explore the exercise for ourselves. (Now I'm listening to Linda Eder and Robert Cuccioli singing "It's a Dangerous Game" from Jekyll and Hyde, her voice is so gorgeous.) Sorry, music break there. Anywho, he had me go up first. My song was "You Are My Sunshine". ::grins:: Simple little ditty that I've known since I was knee-high to a grasshopper (the first song I learned harmony to, incidentally). ::smiles:: I got up, sat in the chair on the stage all alone, closed my eyes and started singing. I sat on my hands cuz they were shaking, it was like an audition, but after the first dozen times of singing it, I started getting more comfortable. Then I started wondering when he was going to stop me. Then I started just thinking. Thinking about people: my parents, cast members, friends, past relationships, etc, etc. (Song Break:: "Gold" also Linda Eder, absolutely amazing, I think I've ranted about it before, gotta find the sheet music to this song, it would be an amazing audition piece.) I kept wondering what he was waiting for, why he wasn't cutting me off. I wondered if I was supposed to start crying or something. Sometimes I felt like I was going to, but it was cuz of past occurences, and when they came to mind, I realized that I'd already dealt with them and I don't carry them with me anymore. I kept going deeper and deeper and finally I couldn't sing anymore. There was this utter peace. I knew God was in charge and all I could do was rest in His presence. That started to pass, and I took that and put it into my singing. Suddenly, I was the only one there and I could find the center that actors have to find so that they can be in the moment and in character and not at all distracted by the audience. Then he stopped me. Darling, I sang "You Are My Sunshine" for thirty minutes. Half an hour. That's how long it took me to get there. After he stopped me, we all talked about what had gone on. I explained a little bit of what had gone on. He said that he normally stops people after twenty minutes, but he'd let me go on because he kept hearing different things happening. Normally people do break down and cry, he said. Maybe this sounds really new-agie to ya'll, but I promise it isn't. The purpose was to find a way to be vulnerable and to experience the raw emotion, so that we can implement it in our acting. After rehearsal that day, I was talking to my teacher (who is also my director and a Christian, I've told you that, right?) and he said that he'd never seen someone come to that point of peace before, and he recognized that it was because of being a Christian. He said that a while ago, he had a student that I remind him of (our acting styles are similar, etc) but she wasn't a Christian. She did this exercise and just broke down completely. He thought it was so interesting to see the difference. Anywho, that was interesting. Talked to Seth the other day. It was good to hear what he's been up to. It's just so weird to have been with these people every day all summer and then basically have them drop out of my life. I don't like it. Every person in the world needs to have email and instant messenger. Man, I want heaven so bad. Doesn't your soul, your very self, desire "forever"? Perfection? The elimination of all temptation? Hey, that sounded kinda cool. Maybe I should become a rapper. Yah, lemme think about that for a minute, no. Right, forward march... Last night I went to All Time Low's EP release. I'm trying to remember who else played... I got there as Cartel was finishing, then All Rights Reserved played, then ATL, then Fire in the Hole. I didn't get to stay for much of Fire in the Hole, but it was good to see Zach again. Phil and Hannah were there, plus Will, Nikki, and a bunch of other kids from Church. The bands were a lot better this time. I only had two dollars, so I couldn't buy ATL's cd, but maybe another time. Some of the ranch kids went putt-putting last night, I'll have to find out how that went. This morning I went back to ballet for the first time in about four months. I went immediately to a dance rehearsal for ZP after that. I feel like my body died. (As I am still my same self, that must mean that the SELF is the mind, not the body... sorry, I'm writing an argument paper for Philosophy while I'm doing this.) I'm gonna be so sore tomorrow. Man. I don't wanna think about it. It felt good to be back, but I'm dead. Mom worked some of the knots out of my back and neck for me and then I fell asleep for a couple of hours. Now I'm supposed to be doing my paper. It's half finished and not due til Tuesday, but I should keep working on it cuz I've gotta work on a monologue for Acting too. My life consists of school, rehearsal, and Church right now. My life hasn't been this concentrated since I don't know when. It's crazy. ::shrugs:: I really need to start writing my entrance essay for college applications. ::crosses eyes and frowns:: Enough of that, I'll start worrying. Anywho, I'm gonna run. Oh, one more cool thing. The guy playing opposite of me in ZP told me today that he's decided he's gonna try not to cuss around me. This is a big deal, kids! This is the same guy who said he'd prolly corrupt me by the end of the show and now he's making a conscious effort to be clean in front of me. I don't think I've even ever asked him not to cuss around me. He did this on his own. God's working. It's so hard to keep these words out of my thoughts when I hear them tossed around every day. Loyola was nothing compared to this. I can't help loving these people, though. I thank God for that. He's so faithful in giving me a love for them. I could never do it on my own. It's hard to find a happy medium though. One of the guys there asked me out. I've tried my best to not give him any ideas, but I don't think he's getting it. He's a great guy, but I can't go out with someone who doesn't have the same beliefs as I do, and I barely know him anyway. Haha, as Shades says, "Boys are stupid, girls are confusing." It's really the basis of all the world's problems. Well, not really, but you get the picture. Well, considering I was going to stop and then proceeded to write another paragraph, I'm going to stop for real now. Keep me in your prayers, kids. They're the one thing I'm allowed to covet and covet them I do. I need God's protection. As always, you've got all my love.
Proverbs 29:25
"Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."